I was recently on Reddit, minding my own business when I came across a headline that caught my attention.
My husband’s laziness is killing my attraction towards him.
I was compelled to read the whole thing. This guy was a loving husband, an amazing father to his kid, and a hard worker at his job.
But he was lazy at home, and that made his wife sexually disgusted by him.
“I love my husband immensely. I think he is a loving husband to me, an awesome father, and a great provider. But his laziness kinda disgusts me.”
I was shocked by this confession. One thing lead to another, and before I knew it I had read all the classics.
My wife is lazy and I am rapidly losing attraction to her.
RANT skip if you’re tired of hearing about lazy husbands.
So…I’m seriously sick of my wife’s laziness. We’ve been married for 15+ years.
I wanted to understand how attraction works, and why laziness is so sexually destructive. So I did a little research.
This article will cover:
- How does attraction work exactly?
- Why is laziness such an unattractive trait?
- How can you destroy laziness and become more attractive?
Read till the end, and avoid a desperate sexless marriage!
How does attraction work exactly?
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder”
The more I learn about the science of attraction, the more like garbage this quote seems.
Whilst left-leaning feminism preaches of subjective beauty standards, You don’t ultimately have much control over the neural pathways in your limbic system.
For all of our advancements in technology and progressive politics, at the end of the day, we are just a bunch of homosapiens trying to survive and reproduce.
When we meet a potential mate, we subconsciously scan for cues that indicate physical and social health.
- A symmetrical face.
- A waist-to-hip ratio that indicates a fertile woman.
- A shoulder-to-waist ratio that indicates a capable man.
- Long hair, good teeth, and bright eyes.
- Character traits that give us the best possible chance of survival and reproduction.
Our goal is to select a mate, with reproductive fitness.
This is all that attraction really is. If we pick up on the cues that indicate reproductive fitness, hormones are secreted from our hypothalamus and we are attracted.
Why is laziness such an unattractive trait?
Our brains have evolved over a 5 million-year period since the first human ancestors began to walk habitually on 2 legs.
It wasn’t until the invention of agriculture around 12,000 years ago, that we settled into villages and towns and eventually cities.
For most of our existence, we’re talking 99.75% of the human evolution, we were hunter-gatherers constantly on the move.
Whilst the men dealt with most of the hunting, the women had their own problems. They had to care for their young and gather nuts and berries, all while usually either pregnant or breastfeeding.
They would do all of this, whilst constantly on guard against predators. Bears, sabertooth tigers — Even other tribes.
Why was laziness so unattractive? Because Lazy people didn’t survive. Mating with a man or woman who was lazy was dangerously unwise.
Laziness was not conducive to reproductive fitness.
The human attraction mechanism evolved to reflect this truth.
Today, of course, our world is very different. You probably won’t get eaten by a bear, and you probably won’t have to eat what you kill. We have a welfare system, an 8-hour work day, and assisted housing. Your laziness won’t lead to your actual death.
With all that being said, laziness will always be a deeply undesirable quality.
Laziness indicates a lack of ambition. Lazy people are passive and without direction. If you aren’t even willing to put work into your own life, you are hardly going to be of much use to anyone else.
Who would want to be with a person like that?
How to destroy laziness and become more attractive
It’s one thing to understand laziness on an intellectual level.
Having the power to override that side of yourself is far harder.
Here are 3 things that you can do to destroy laziness so that you can finally start to live up to your potential.
Use the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius
Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome from 161 AD. He ruled for almost two decades, and was a virtuous and strong leader who “proved himself worthy of the position he was in”.
You might think that a man like Aurelius would be above laziness.
He was worshiped like a god, after all.
Surprisingly, though, “the last great emperor of Rome” struggled to get himself out of bed in the morning just like the rest of us.
In his journal, he recorded how he overcame this desire for comfort.
“At dawn, when you have trouble getting out of bed, tell yourself: ‘I have to go to work — as a human being. What do I have to complain of, if I’m going to do what I was born for — the things I was brought into the world to do? Or is this what I was created for? To huddle under the blankets and stay warm?’
— But it’s nicer in here…
So you were born to feel ‘nice’? Instead of doing things and experiencing them? Don’t you see the plants, the birds, the ants and spiders and bees going about their individual tasks, putting the world in order, as best they can? And you’re not willing to do your job as a human being? Why aren’t you running to do what your nature demands?
— But we have to sleep sometime …
Agreed. But nature set a limit on that — as it did on eating and drinking. And you’re over the limit. You’ve had more than enough of that. But not of working. There you’re still below your quota.”
You can apply this wisdom to your own life. You were not born to be comfortable and warm. You were born to make your contribution. You have skills and opportunities, and there are situations around you that you can improve.
Why would you shy away from playing your role?
Build the muscle of discipline
The story of Marcus Aurelius proves that no man is above the temptation to be lazy.
Everybody has similar urges —
To sleep in a little longer.
To skip the gym for 1 more day.
To take the path of least resistance.
There is something within us all that is constantly making the case for the most apathetic course of action.
A disciplined man is someone who has learned not to be controlled by these urges.
He is a man, who through 1000 decisions, has conditioned himself to follow his own better judgment.
The process is brutally simple.
When you dont feel like doing whatever it is you planned to do, do it.
Make the choice.
Go through the motions.
Your brain will start coming up with all kinds of brilliant reasons why it’s a good idea to not work out, or not write that article, or not go to bed early.
Dont give it an inch. Learn to listen to a different voice.
“No more. No more. NO MORE. No more excuses. No more: “I’ll start tomorrow.” No more: “Just this once.” No more accepting the shortfalls of my own will. No more taking the easy road. No more bowing down to whatever unhealthy or unproductive thoughts float through my mind. No. No more. No more waiting for the perfect moment and no more indecision and no more lies. No more weakness. No. No more. Now is the time for strength. And through strength— and through will— and through unwavering discipline— I will become what I want to be. I will become who I want to be. And then—and only then—will I rest and say: No more.”Jocko Willink
It’s tempting to look for a different answer. There is no other answer. There is no easy, fast, pain-free way to build discipline. It’s just about making difficult choices and wrestling with your own lazy urges.
Learn to really focus
Sometimes it is not that we are lazy, but that we are distracted.
Not long ago, I found myself getting frustrated about how slowly I was making progress in my life.
I felt like I was really pushing my blog and my career. I was working 70 hours a week every week, and my weekends were full. I was sleeping 6 hours per night, max.
I just didn’t really see what else I could do. I was hustling.
Then I started keeping track of my phone screen time.
3 hours a day. 4 on the weekends.
It turns out, that I was wasting obnoxious amounts of time.
I felt pretty guilty about my phone addiction until I read stolen focus by Johann Hari. The book investigates the business of big tech and their obsession with user engagement.
In our digital economy, The greatest minds of our age are using their vast brainpower to get you to watch content and buy things online.
There are offices full of geniuses — men and women who in another generation might be inventing the printing press or developing the steam engine, trying to get you to look at their app and click on things. They manipulate your brain chemicals and are constantly drumming up new ways to make your experience as addictive as possible.
When you understand this, suddenly your phone addiction seems more forgivable.
It’s not just a question of you being undisciplined.
There are external forces fighting for your attention.
Whilst the blame isn’t all on you, it is 100% your problem to resolve. You are responsible for your own focus, regardless of who’s out there trying to ruin it. You must face your distraction problem head-on.
Research dopamine detoxes. Maybe delete Instagram. Maybe leave your phone downstairs. Figure out what it’s going to take to restore your focus. If you’re anything like me, it’ll probably be something that sounds extreme.
And you’ll be shocked at just how productive you become.
Laziness is deeply unattractive. It will absolutely wreck your relationships if you let it.
This is true across cultures and time periods, as the attraction mechanism is deeply engrained in our biology.
Whilst it’s not easy, there are things you can do to destroy your own laziness. You absolutely can become more disciplined and focused by cutting out distractions and building your discipline like a muscle.